Current Issue


    
  
   
Domestic (ated)
        Terrorist!
       
                     
After disappearing from the terrorist landscape years
ago, one of the world's most unusual criminal minds has
reappeared, though not in a way you might expect. That's
because former fear-mongering fanatic and Senator Leonard
nemesis-number-one, da Commandante, has traded in his
bazooka for a broom and is now a stay-at-home dad!

After making a splash in the late 90's as a pet-stealing
adversary to The Senator, Da Commandante, who sees
himself as a revolutionary reformer, ramped up his reign of
terror in the new millennium when he, among other things,
used an earthquake machine to cause minor quakes in
Spokane, Wa, claimed responsibility for assassinating
Senator Leonard's pet Newt, created programmable clones
using a cloning machine he may or may not have stolen,
kidnapped international sensation Horsechestnut2000 (and
subsequently cloned her), machinated the 2000 presidential
election for Bush in order to guarantee his own job security,
used his industrial company to intentionally produce defective
parts for The Senator's Senway® vehicle  and colluded with
Martians in a plan to turn the Earth into a food-producing
slave colony for the red planet!

Then, on Christmas Day 2001, da Commandante went silent,
just 20 months after the most bizarre and diversified wave of
terror in recorded history began. But it wasn't a divine
intervention that caused da Comm, who once filed a
defamation suit against Jesus Christ Superstar, to exit the
terrorist scene. According to da Commandante, the "Ace of
Abductors" never left at all and has been quietly planning
Phase II of his operations while at the same time training the
next generation of  maniacal madmen, his own children!

Now, for the first time in nearly a decade,  da Comm speaks
out about his new life, what he's been doing--but not where
he's going--in this revealing World Planet Exclusive!

Though seemingly inactive for nearly ten years, Da
Commandante's bloodthirsty vendetta against The Senator is
as strong as ever as he is now training his children to follow
in his footsteps in an effort to make the world Senator
Leonard-free. According to Da Commandante, who claims to
have in part financed his enterprise by rigging the upset win
of the Giants over the Patriots in Superbowl XLII, his seven-
year-old son is an expert at decoding intercepted messages
and encrypting communiqués and is highly skilled at throwing
poisonous darts.













                                
da Commandante Jr.

What's more, da Comm says the boy's general spying
techniques surpass that of any adult he has ever known! But
the training isn't limited to the boy as da Commandante's one-
year-old daughter can not only carry a ten pound pack but is
already highly proficient at throwing hand grenades!

It isn't all "survival" training for the Commandante family,
however, as the kids do participate in normal childhood
activities. In addition to breaking Senator Leonard piñatas at
birthday parties, the children like to play games such as
"Hide, Seek and Destroy" and "William Tell using a
Bazooka!" Da Commandante's daughter also loves to play
with dolls. But even this seemingly normal childhood activity
has a radical bent! The dolls are Senator Leonard target-
practice dolls and daughter da Comm's favorite play is to bite
the hands and feet off!














                                  
 la Commandante

In addition to the day-to-day operations of raising his
children, da Commandante also enjoys another staple of
domestic life: cooking!















                                                                                                 
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                   
                                                                                                  
The former "Captain of Clones," who himself is suspected of
being a clone, loves spending time in the kitchen and has
perfected delicious recipes that rival those of Julia Child and
Chef Boyardee! "Potatoes," declared da Comm, when asked
which food he enjoys cooking the most. Not surprising, when
you consider his favorite way to prepare them is to "mash
them and smash them," as he put it, the perfect way for him to
employ his renowned violent tendencies at home!

But is it really possible for an ego-maniacal madman bent on
world domination to make the transition to a relatively
peaceful vocation? How does a crazed killer go from
kidnapping cats to changing diapers? According to da
Commandante they are much the same, "smelly and
disposable!"

So what do da Commandante's contemporaries think? We
asked his former associate Dr. Zinn, Master of Evil, his
opinion of his ex colleague/rival's transformation. "The fool!
I'm sure the blundering boob will make an utter shambles of
his household, much the same way he nearly destroyed the
World Dominators Society's Underground Communal Work-
Share Factory and Installation (WDSUCWSFI)! I knew when
he leased the space adjacent to mine it would be nothing but
trouble and I was correct! His damnable inventions were
constantly blowing up! I could hardly believe he managed to
stay alive over there. All his scientists and engineers were
killed! Afterwards their cars sat there in the parking garage
for weeks! I had to park 3 levels up because da Commandante
was too lazy to move them out! Now he's at home trying to
make potato soup!? It will be of no surprise to me when he
blows up his kitchen! Let me warn his neighbors, move away,
you fools! Before that idiot da Comm blows up your entire
block!"

As everyone knows, raising a family can be time-consuming
and a real energy zapper that leaves many couples with little
time for each other. But that's not true for da Commandante.
According to the former "Tyrant of Terror" his survival
training techniques have taught his kids to be self-sufficient,
leaving plenty of opportunity for da Comm and his wife to get
busy… with each other!  And as you might expect, date nights
for da Commandante are as unorthodox as his parenting style,
with most nights out highlighted by surveillance of Senator
Leonard's associates, a turn-on that has become a quirky kink
for the passionate couple! And it only facilitates his fetish that
da Comm always goes "commando" whenever he goes
commando!

Da Commandante is definitely not "all work and no play,"
however, as he and his family are fond of vacationing
together. Though da Commandante refused to divulge exactly
where they would be traveling this summer, he did say they
would enjoy chokecherry-infused grubs while singing "down
with Senator Leonard" songs. "We'll have a blast! (wink,
wink)," he promised.



            
Secret Recipe Revealed!

Da Commandante was generous enough to give The World
Planet the secret recipe to his signature specialty. Follow the
simple directions below to prepare a da Commandante family
favorite in your own kitchen!

          
Spicy Potato Burrito with Sauerkraut

Ingredients:
•  4 potatoes, peeled and chopped
•  1 cup shredded Colby-Monterey Jack or cheddar cheese
•  2 cups sauerkraut (da Comm uses his own homemade!)
•  2 teaspoons chili powder
•  1 teaspoon ground cumin
•  2 cloves garlic, minced
•  salt and pepper to taste
•  8 (6 inch) flour tortillas
•  1/2 cup red enchilada sauce
•  1 chopped cayenne pepper

Cooking Instructions:
1. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add potatoes,
and cook until tender but still firm, about 15 minutes. Drain,
cool and mash.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
3. In a medium mixing bowl, combine mashed potatoes, 3/4
cup cheese, chili powder, cumin, garlic, salt and pepper.
Spoon evenly into tortillas, and roll up. Place rolled tortillas
side by side in a 8x8-inch baking pan. Spread enchilada sauce
evenly over the top, and sprinkle with remaining cheese and
cayenne pepper.
4. Bake in the preheated oven 15 minutes, or until cheese is
bubbly.
5. Place sauerkraut in an oven-proof bowl and place next to
baking pan.
6. When serving, place the burrito on top of a bed of
sauerkraut.
Da Comm finds a lime garnish sets it off just so.














           
Da Commandante and la Commandante cook up a storm


     da Commandante  Quick Bio

Real Name: Undisclosed
Favorite color: Red
Favorite Movie: Reds and Raging Bull
Favorite Candy Bar: Snickers, the name makes him giggle and
takes him back to his carefree youth.
Turn Ons: a good plan, explosives, peace symbols, micro-
brews, cool jazz, poetry readings, hiking boots
Turn Offs: Capitalism, disco, ice dancing, lipstick, tobacco,
fast food
Briefs or Boxers: Neither
Quote: The Leonard Cohen poem, The Wrong Man:

                     "They locked up a man
                 Who wanted to rule the world
                              The fools
                 They locked up the wrong man."



    
          
          
           Fowl
     Recollection!


Spirits soared at Senator Leonard's compound recently when
The Sen's beloved pink rooster Percival emerged from a year-
long coma. Doctors are concerned, however, learning Percy
is in the midst of an identity crisis and believes he is not
Senator Leonard's pet but is actually Senator Leonard himself!

Percy's caregivers were ecstatic when the bird suddenly
woke up and appeared happy, healthy and raring to go. But
things didn't seem quite right soon after when Percy ignored
his bowl of birdseed and instead began sipping coffee,
straight from The Senator's personal mug! Even more
mystifying was when Percy refused to go outside for his
regular morning playtime. Instead he headed for The Sen's
television room, hopped up onto The Sen's lounge chair and
began scouring entertainment news channels, searching for
reports on Jessica Simpson, the real Sen's crush from a year
ago! (The Sen is currently crushing on Lindsay Lohan.) Later
Percy took a bubble bath in The Sen's private tub then quietly
dozed off while staring at a postcard from Neptune's Net, The
Sen's favorite Malibu seaside hangout.

So what could have caused Percy to wake up thinking he is
The Sen? The answer is astonishing, according to our WP
science consultant, Professor Donald Kessler. "Percy slipping
into a coma was the result of his, if you'll pardon the
expression, 'birdbrain' being unable to cope with a severely
traumatic event, in this case learning that his father figure
Senator Leonard was a chicken eater. The very notion of such
a thing is so distressing, so unthinkable for Percy his brain
had to find a way to deal with the situation if he was to ever
regain consciousness.  The only way for his brain to conquer
such a horror was for him to become the monster himself."

But what if Percy were to come into contact with the real
Senator Leonard? "That absolutely must not happen,"
cautioned Kessler, Chairman of the American Academy of
Astronautics. "There would be a very real chance such an
encounter would severely shock  Percy and send him  right
back into his coma, or possibly worse."

Fortunately such a tragedy was averted when Senator Leonard
and Percy later bumped into each other. The Sen, having been
apprised of the situation, deftly mimicked Percy's movements,
causing his pink buddy to think he was looking in a mirror. It
was an extremely close call for a shaken Sen, who has since
had to keep out of sight while Percy has enjoyed free run of
the mansion.

For now, Percy seems content, spending much of his time in
The Sen's private lounge, sipping wine and entertaining
visiting dignitaries to the compound. Not to be left out, a
second, duplicate lounge is quickly being constructed for The
Senator's use.

Doctors are unsure of what to do next and have decided to
take a "wait and see" approach. Although at the moment that's
all any of us can do, we can at least be grateful Percy is safe
and happy…for now.




 Was da Commandante's Life Path
      Directed by The Senator?

Could da Commandante's sworn enemy, Senator Leonard, be
responsible for da Comm's transformation? When we last
heard from da Comm in December 2001 he was a chortling
lunatic with aspirations of world domination. Now, on the
surface, he is a more reflective, peaceful man who takes
pleasure from the simple things in life. Is a note The Senator
wrote on the message board of his online club responsible for
da Comm's change of direction? In the May 2000 missive,
Senator Leonard implored da Commandante to heed his
advice,
"…Move on, brother, there's an information
superhighway out there just waiting for a Dick Turpin. That's
my vision for you my friend. a leaner, greener, moody and
elusive Commandante, (we'll have to do something about that
name). Have your people call my people and we'll set
something up. chow! The Senulator."
Though da Comm never
made the call and his name remains the same, much of what
The Senator suggested has seemingly come to pass, making a
connection between The Sen's note and da Comm's
disappearance and subsequent evolution seem like a likely
possibility.






















        
         
The Transformed Terrorist gets in touch with his peaceful side